be happy

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Be happy.

That's the message Dads wrote for me on his farewell letter to his friends at work.

Simple pero sapul na sapul.

I haven't been the same cheerful Jennie since God knows when. My life is one big routine. I wake up, go to work, go home, sleep and wake up again to go back to work (of course I eat and take bath in between :p).

On the outside I might seem the same but on the inside, if I'll be honest, I am sad and hurting. Only my closest friends know why but I'm not going to talk about it. I'd rather stay quiet and let it die a natural death. I don't think I have to defend myself to people who don't really know me. What's important is that my true friends know who I am.

It's going to be a lie if I say I don't care. Because I do.

I am really bothered and to add to that, I spoke with my TL last week and she asked me what my goals are and I couldn't give her an answer. Talk about being stumped by a question. It's easy enough right? I thought so too, until I was asked that question.

I am stuck in limbo. F**k it! At my age, I cannot afford to be stuck in that state. Back in school, I had a timeline. I had a plan on what I would be at a certain age. But life happened and I am no where near those plans. I can't even remember what those are right now.

How pathetic.

I was watching tv earlier and I had an epiphany. I knew what I'm missing in my life. I have lost faith. And it was such a sad revelation that I couldn't help but tear up.

I've never been a religious person, even if I studied in an all-girl's Catholic school from Prep to High School, and I went to a University run by Christian Brothers for College. I knew the religious rituals, I know the prayers, I know the BIble Stories, but it was all mechanical. I didn't take that to heart.

I can't even remember the last time I went to Church and heard mass. Was it two years ago? Grabe. I've always said the religion doesn't matter, it's my relationship with God that does. But I realized earlier that I don't even have that now. Yes, I pray but only when I need something or when something is wrong. Ang pangit pakinggan, but it's true.

I prayed a lot when mom was sick. But when she was gone, my faith slipped. I mean who wouldn't? I'm not justifying how I felt but I've always had this question in my mind, "Why mom?" Why did this have to happen to us? They say God isn't going to give you a challenge that you cannot overcome, or that you are given challenges for you to learn an become stronger.

Maybe. I don't really know.

I don't want to sound preachy. And this really doesn't sound like me because I've always had issues with scripture spouting people, but that's another story.

I see my cousins who have strong relationships with God and I am in awe of them. Sure they have problems but they have this aura around them. I can't explain it profoundly, but it's like no matter how big their problems are, they don't feel burdened like I do. I stayed at their house over the weekend because it was lola's despedida and I felt so much lighter there. I asked one of my cousins why and she told me, "Kasi ate, alam ko He'll provide." Not that she said she's not going to do something about her problem, but that she knows there would be someone to guide her in the right direction.

I need my faith now more than ever.

I've always loved Take Me Out Of the Dark by Gary Valenciano but I've never really taken the lyrics to heart until now. I felt like the song was made for me (hehe, vain much?) No kidding, yung lyrics ng song, yun yung nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Take Me Out Of the Dark
Gary Valenciano

Just what is it in me?
Sometimes I just don't know
What keeps me in Your love,
Why you never let me go

And though you're in me now,
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord, please show me how
To know just how you feel

You have forgiven me
Too many times it seems
I feel I'm not what you might call
A worthy Christian after all

And though I love You so
Temptation finds its way to me

Teach me to trust in You
With all my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
I just forget
You won't give me what I can't bear

Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don't wanna be there

You've never left my side
You gave Your hand to me to hold
Oh Jesus, I'm no longer in the cold

And yet, I leave You there
When I feel satisfied
I'd like to thank You every day
Not only when I feel that way

I've never known a Man
Who'd give His life for sinners like me
And yet, because He loves us so
He's promised us eternity
And we can have that promise
And be His if we have faith
And just believe

Teach us to trust in you
With all my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
We just forget
You won't give us what we can't bear

Take us out of the dark, My Lord
'Cause we don't want to be alone
Take me out of the dark, My Lord
We don't wanna be there, My Lord

Trust in You with all my heart
Lean not on my own understanding
I just forget
You won't give me what I can't bear

Take me out of the dark, My Lord
Cause we don't want to be alone
Take me out of the dark, My Lord
I don't want to be there