I will be here

Saturday, April 01, 2006

It's the first day of the month.

My birthday month.

Normally, I'd be excited, because that usually means we're going on our annual clan outing very soon. But I seriously doubt if we're going to have our swimming trip this year.

Our annual summer swimming trip is another one of Mom's "babies". Aside from Christmas, it's the time of the year she really loved and planned for. Mom & Tita Belle usually start planning right after Christmas. Our clan swimming trip always fall on Holy Week because: 1. it's the time of the year everyone is free; and 2. March & April are eventful (anniversaries: Mom & Dad, Tita Belle & Tito Gerry, birthdays: cousin Geebee, my sister, my birthday, Tito Gerry, Tito Ric).

This year, obviously it's very different.

My cousins texted me last week if we're going to go swimming this Holy Week. I honestly didn't know how to answer them. I know they all look forward to our summer outings as much as I do, and I do want to continue the tradition, but things are very different this year. I told one of my cousins that I'm not sure if our trip will push through, and she said, "Lalo ko tuloy na-miss si Chang Vi (mom)." Needless to say, my tears fell again after reading her text message. Kung sha na-mi-miss nya si mommy, di lalo na kami, di ba?

God, this is so hard.

I knew even then how hard it's going to be when mom's gone, but I never thought it would be THIS painful.

We all had a lot of growing up to do since May, when mom passed on. I can say that we've learned to cope, but there are days like this when dealing with it is doubly harder.

I hate being a crybaby. I hate bawling my eyes out. I hate complaining. And I especially hate posts like this.

During times like this though, I feel mom's presence. I'm not saying that she's haunting me (hehe, she wouldn't do that coz she knows how big of a coward I am), but when I feel like this, it seems like I can hear her voice in my head encouraging me. I hope I'm not going nuts. :p

Call me paranoid or whatever, but in times I feel really low, I see mom's name on some random stuff. Like if I were outside and I miss her a lot, my eyes would be drawn to sign or a billboard and I'd see her name there. Or when I'm stressing out/on panic mode, I'd turn the radio on/listen to itunes and the first song I'd hear is her favorite song, I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. I can't say it's a coincidence because it has happened numerous times before. Or am I just reading too much into it? It doesn't matter though. All I know is that it calms me whenever it happens.

I WILL BE HERE
Steven Curtis Chapman


Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I, I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I, I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here
We'll be together
I will be here

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

*hugs*

advance happy bday girl!

clare

Toni said...

First of all, advanced happy birthday.

Second, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I did feel the sadness in your post. It must be very difficult to deal with a loved one's passing. Here's a quote I'd like to share with you. It's a quote I share with friends and family who've lost people close to their heart:

"God gave us memories so we can have roses in winter."

I hope that whenever the tears start to flow, a bunch of roses comes in quickly for you. Take care.

Kai said...

Advance Happy Birthday! (:

Jennie said...

thanks, clare! :) *hugs*

hi toni. my heartfelt thanks for your comment, especially for the quote. :)

hello kai! thanks. gosh, malapit na ako mawala sa calendar. hahaha!