on friendship and growing apart

Monday, April 24, 2006

Delinquent blogger logging in. :)

It's becoming a pattern. I've only been blogging once a week for 3 weeks now. And it's not for lack of anything to write about, but rather because I haven't been in a blogging mood. Heck, I haven't even bloghopped (sorry) lately. I think it's because of the weather - it's just too hot to do anything.

Hmm... I've written about this before, right? Hahaha! So things haven't changed.

I've been growing my hair for the past few months and it's now about shoulder length. The thing that irritates me though, is that I haven't been able to enjoy my longer hair because of the summer heat. :( I thought about cutting it, pero parang sayang, diba? It took months to grow it, then I'd just cut it off? No way! Hehehe.. vanity does have a price. ;)

While I was cleaning my room over the Lenten break, I found my shoeboxes of high school letters. Needless to say. I had to read each and every letter. I told myself I should throw it away but I couldn't make myself do it.

I felt a myriad of emotions as I read the letters. Some made me laugh out loud, some made me cry, some letters made me cringe and go "Ewww!", and some made me shake my head and say, "What the heck was I thinking?!"

The letters were mostly from my barkada and it makes me smile when I think about all the things we went through together. Some of them I've known for more than 20 years (since grade school) and the rest about 15 years. Yes, my age is showing. I don't care. :) After all, we've known each other most of our lives and we're still friends. I'll see them again next month for Ria's baby shower and Jacque's homecoming from Singapore, where she's based.

Aside from my best friend, most of my barkada letters came from another friend I've known since the first grade. Reading her letters made me sad because I realized through the years that we've grown apart. Yes, we're still friends, we see each other whenever we can, but now we don't have the depth of friendship that we had in high school and the first few years of college. We went to different universities, but we exchanged letters every week, with my sister as the courier. (yep, may email na noon. hahaha! but nothing beats an honest to goodness handwritten letter). Back then we could talk about anything under the sun. It doesn't matter how trivial it is. Sometimes the letters with trivial things were the long ones, at least 3 pages long and back to back. Sometimes an envelope would contain small pieces of paper with notes about how boring her class was and how she thought about writing me about it. Ganun kababaw, but I appreciated those and I know she appreciated my letters to her, too.

Whenever we see each other now, it feels different. It's like we both have to think of a topic before we have a conversation. It's probably because we have a big group (12 girls + hubbies and significant others). Just imagine our conversations. We're bound to talk in groups or worse talk over each other. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of conversations. :p

I should probably set up a lunch/dinner with just the two of us, but she's currently based out of town and frankly, I'm afraid we'd have nothing to talk about. Haaay... I know I shouldn't think that way unless I want us to grow further apart. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid? What if I'm the only one who feels like this? Hmmm...

Maybe I should set up something when she's back in town. :) After all, I think the friendship is worth it.

my bday wasn't so bad (hahaha!)

Monday, April 17, 2006

My self-imposed-no-computer-during-Holy-Week sacrifice is over. Actually, it didn't start out that way, it just turned to a sacrifice. :p I wasn't able to use the computer for the past 5 days because we had our General Housecleaning and there wasn't enough time to use the computer on top of all that. Hahaha!

Yep, that's how I spent my birthday. Cleaning my room. I'm not done yet though. Half of my room still looks like a mess, but I was able to dispose of a lot of things so my room is less cluttered now.

I think there's something symbolic about cleaning out my room and my birthday. It's like disposing off all the clutter/unwanted baggage and starting anew. After all, I'm starting my new decade. Heehee! Ooh, that was fitting.

I received an email from my older cousin in Florida, and it told him I couldn't believe I'm already thirty. I certainly don't feel any different, but there's soemthing daunting about turning a new decade. It's a milestone, as Toni said. But gosh, time does fly fast!

One of the first things my sister and I cleaned out was mom's closet. We made a decision last year that we wouldn't clean out mom's closet until almost a year of her passing, because it would be too hard to do. I think that was a good decision on our part coz while we were clearing her things, we didn't feel bad. It wasn't heart-wrenching, and I didn't cry. Well, ok, I did cry, but not until we were almost done. I cried coz I saw the medical stuff (oxygen mask, regulator, etc). When we were folding her clothes and putting them in boxes, not a single tear fell. Yey, for me! We just remembered which ones were her favorites, an occasion or event connected to that piece of clothing. Just the good stuff. :)


on swimming and birthdays

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Finally, after a week of blog non-activity, I'm back. :) Hopefully, this will be a happier post than the last one.

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. There was no big celebration (just like I want mine to be :D), we just cooked spaghetti and pizza and shared it as a family. Yumm...

As of today, it looks like our annual swimming trip is going to push through. I've spoken with two of my aunts over the weekend about it. I'm going to my tita's house tomorrow and we're going to plan it. Yey!

Some friends and I are also planning a trip to Puerto Galera, sometime in May. I hope it pushes through, coz the last time we went on a beach sojourn was over three years ago. :) I think it's about time.

If both swimming trips pushes through, I'm preparing myself for patong-patong na sunburn. Woohaha! No biggie though. I can just stock up on Papaya soap and I'll be back to my normal coloring in no time at all. Besides, the trip and the company would be worth it.

Shucks, I just realized that my birthday is exactly six days away.

Six days until I hit the big 30.


Honestly though, I don't feel like I'm gonna be 3 decades old. Sana, I don't look like it, too. Hahaha! The only time I feel older is when I see my younger cousins and the siblings of my friends. That's when I notice how big they are now, when I can still remember them in diapers. Nyak!

It doesn't bother me that I'm getting older. What bothers me is when people ask the never-ending question: "When are you getting married?" Goodness! I think the whole time I've had this blog, I've written about this everytime my birthday is coming up. Maybe they're just curious, or they have a nosy personality. I don't know. The question per se doesn't bother me, what bothers me is how some people ask it, like I'm to be pitied because I'm not married yet. Ugh! Hello? I don't need your pity. Of course, I'd like to get married one day, but I'm not rushing and I'm not worried, so why should you be? It's not like I'll be miserable if I'm not married. Can't I be single, fabulous and love it? ;)

Sometimes I think about the what ifs, and then I'd realize that if it's meant to be, then it will happen. Does that sound fatalistic? :p I guess so, but I just like to take things as they come.

I was talking to Clare a few days back and I mentioned that I'm a bit scared of turning 30. Not because I'm not married yet, but because I'm not anywhere near the goals I've set upon turning this age. I feel like there's so much I can accomplish but I haven't yet, and I'm getting a bit impatient. Classic quarter life crisis. Aren't I over it yet? Hehehe!

I think this Holy Week is a good time for me to reflect on it. :)

I will be here

Saturday, April 01, 2006

It's the first day of the month.

My birthday month.

Normally, I'd be excited, because that usually means we're going on our annual clan outing very soon. But I seriously doubt if we're going to have our swimming trip this year.

Our annual summer swimming trip is another one of Mom's "babies". Aside from Christmas, it's the time of the year she really loved and planned for. Mom & Tita Belle usually start planning right after Christmas. Our clan swimming trip always fall on Holy Week because: 1. it's the time of the year everyone is free; and 2. March & April are eventful (anniversaries: Mom & Dad, Tita Belle & Tito Gerry, birthdays: cousin Geebee, my sister, my birthday, Tito Gerry, Tito Ric).

This year, obviously it's very different.

My cousins texted me last week if we're going to go swimming this Holy Week. I honestly didn't know how to answer them. I know they all look forward to our summer outings as much as I do, and I do want to continue the tradition, but things are very different this year. I told one of my cousins that I'm not sure if our trip will push through, and she said, "Lalo ko tuloy na-miss si Chang Vi (mom)." Needless to say, my tears fell again after reading her text message. Kung sha na-mi-miss nya si mommy, di lalo na kami, di ba?

God, this is so hard.

I knew even then how hard it's going to be when mom's gone, but I never thought it would be THIS painful.

We all had a lot of growing up to do since May, when mom passed on. I can say that we've learned to cope, but there are days like this when dealing with it is doubly harder.

I hate being a crybaby. I hate bawling my eyes out. I hate complaining. And I especially hate posts like this.

During times like this though, I feel mom's presence. I'm not saying that she's haunting me (hehe, she wouldn't do that coz she knows how big of a coward I am), but when I feel like this, it seems like I can hear her voice in my head encouraging me. I hope I'm not going nuts. :p

Call me paranoid or whatever, but in times I feel really low, I see mom's name on some random stuff. Like if I were outside and I miss her a lot, my eyes would be drawn to sign or a billboard and I'd see her name there. Or when I'm stressing out/on panic mode, I'd turn the radio on/listen to itunes and the first song I'd hear is her favorite song, I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman. I can't say it's a coincidence because it has happened numerous times before. Or am I just reading too much into it? It doesn't matter though. All I know is that it calms me whenever it happens.

Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I, I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I, I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here
We'll be together
I will be here