on anniversaries and birthdays

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

It's officially the start of summer here. I feel the sweltering heat already and it's driving me batty. There's a light breeze outside, but it's also quite warm. It doesn't help much in cooling off, though. That just means one thing: BEACH, here I come!

We're having our company outing next Friday, but I'm still thinking if I'd go. I want to go to the beach, pero hindi ko pa feel sumama sa outing. I'll make a decision this weekend. :)

March 1 is not only the official start of summer (for me, that is). It's also Mom & Dad's 31st Wedding Anniversary and my cousin Geebee's 25th birthday. Oh, and don’t forget, it’s also Ash Wednesday today, the start of the Lenten Season.

It's a bittersweet day today.

Dad and I went to Loyola Memorial Park, Sucat this morning, even if we were there last Sunday (we’re there every Sunday morning). Siempre, we should be there today coz it’s their 31st Wedding Anniversary. We brought red roses and prayed.

I felt sad as I looked at my dad while he was praying. But off course, I couldn’t show him I was crying silently. He’d just be sadder if he did see me. Dad was smiling while he was praying. I took that to mean that he was probably replaying in his mind all the wonderful things that happened to him and mom over the years.

Sometimes I’m so caught up with my own feelings that I tend to forget that it’s harder for my dad that mom’s gone. My dad’s an extrovert and he’s the life of the party, but when it comes to emotional stuff, he’s not too big on words. He’s not as demonstrative as mom was, but you can see in his eyes how he feels. Intense tumingin si Daddy.

I could count in one hand the times I’ve seen my dad cry openly. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t cry, but I think it’s because his generation was brought up with the belief that men don’t cry. He’s always been the strong one, so when I see him cry in the open, I know he’s really hurting.

This morning when we were at mom’s grave, I saw him wipe his tears, but there was this bittersweet smile on his face. Like he was thinking what if they’re still together. And it just broke my heart seeing that.

Sometimes I force myself to write happier things, but then I'd realize that grief can't be rushed. People grieve in different ways and at varying timeframes. I express my grief in writing and one day (in the very near future :p) I hope I'll wake up feeling lighter and happier. Which doesn't mean I've forgotten our loss, but that I've accepted it completely. :)

I greeted my cousin earlier and I jokingly said that she's already 25 and that she's getting old. I forgot that she could say this: "If 25 is old, what do you call 30? 31st anniv nila mommy mo diba? Ibig sabihin sa birthday mo Ate Jen, 30 ka na. Hahaha!" Shyems... oo nga pala, I'll be 30 next month. For a few seconds there, I couldn't think of an appropriate response. Hahaha! Then I said, "Ok lang, nasa calendar pa naman ako." :p


kai said...

i hope that morning comes soon, jennie. for you and your daddy. hugs and prayers to both of you (:

Jennie said...

thanks, kai :)