this is me overthinking again

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Text from friend G: "Bebe, dinner this Saturday, gimmick after. txt me if I'll pick you up at home."
Bebe, ehrm.. me: "sorry, G. can't"
G: "y? have other plans?"
me: "nope. no plans. just can't."
G: "Ganun? Sige, next time na lang. pero answer this: when was the last time you went out?"
me: "uhhh..."

Ugh. This is terrible. I can't remember the last time I went out with friends - for dinner or for gimmicks. I am in a rut.


I'm not even a party girl. All I ever want to do is hang out with friends over dinner or coffee, maybe watch a movie or a concert or go on weekend roadtrips, like we used to. But I've done none of it in months.

The last time I was with friends was to attend the wake of our friend's grandmother last month. But that doesn't count. We did do some shopping that day, which I enjoy quite a lot, but still, it's not the same as a late night gimmick or a weekend roadtrip.

Am I taking responsibility too seriously? Not that it's a bad thing, coz it's not. But, I find myself declining my friends' invitations to go out because I feel guilty. I keep thinking I'm needed at home.

My tita keeps telling me that I shouldn't forget about myself, even if I have more responsibilities on my plate, now that mom's gone. She said that I've sacrificed my personal life (hence the non-existent lovelife :p) and even my career, when mom got sick. Even mom used to say that. But I tell them that it was my choice and I don't regret making that choice. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about not being able to go out, coz it's my choice. I'm just thinking maybe mom and my tita were right. That I've neglected myself. Maybe that's why one of mom's last words to me were, "Promise mo sa akin, mag-aasawa ka ha?", because she knows there's a possibility of me getting so caught up with the things I should do and taking care of everyone else, that I'll forget about Jennie.

Nyarks! That didn't quite sound right. Parang ang feeling ko naman. Hehe.

Maybe I should just stop overthinking and start living.


missP said...

hay nako! ikaw talaga, jen... isa lang ang buhay natin. you should enjoy it din naman. you can still be responsible naman even if you go out and enjoy sometime with friends... besides, like your mom, you cannot be there all the time for your family and do everything for them... lam mo na ;)

o sige, stop reading this na, go out and enjoy. have fun ;)