Psalm 23

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I promised myself a few days ago that I would refrain from writing melancholic entries. Sadly, I can't keep that promise, because to do so would mean I'm suppressing my feelings. That is so not the purpose of a blog - well, my blog, anyway.

I write because I feel. I write about my life, my hopes and dreams, my successes and failures, my family, and everything I hold dear. Writing is also one way of dealing with my pain. I write because it's cathartic for me. Cliche, but true.

The past few weeks, I found myself coping better with mom's passing. The past few days however, it's been quite tough. I guess it's because Mom's birthday is just a few days away. She would have been 56 on Thursday.

I'm trying to put up a brave front, acting as if everything has returned to normal, but it's far from the truth. I heard my titas and mom's friends saying (on different occasions), that I'm probably the one most affected by mom's loss, because, not to take anything away from my dad and my siblings, I was the one with her during her chemotherapy treatments. Maybe. Maybe not. We may not talk about it, but I know my family and I feel the same way. We're all grieving mom's passing. I'm just the one vocal about it

This morning while we were at Loyola Memorial Park (where we're at every Sunday morning), my brother and I were discussing what we're going to do on Mom's birthday. We'll definitely go to Loyola in the morning, and we'll probably eat out for dinner. We used to have parties/get togethers on mom's birthday with close family and friends. That's not going to happen this year, obviously. It's just going to be the four of us celebrating mom's extraordinary life and strength of spirit.

When we got home from Loyola, I went to mom & dad's room and something caught my eye. It was one of mom's books protruding under some clothes. I don't know how long it has been there, but it was the first time I saw it. I got it, with the intention of putting it on the bookshelf. Then I saw the title: "Getting Through the Going Through Stage" by Robert A Schuller. And I thought to myself, "Wow, how fitting."

Psalm 23 was written on the first page of the book:

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me to the path of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk to the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod, and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
In the words or Robert A. Schuller:
"Everyone experiences difficult times in life... we're not dumped in the valley. We're going through the valley. The difficult times will not last.

The way we get through our valleys is determined by the vehicle we choose... the best vehicle for me was the 23rd Psalm. I don't think there is a chapter in the Bible that speaks more beautifully or more eloquently to someone who is experiencing difficulty."
I'm not a religious person, even if I was educated at Catholic schools. Strangely enough, reading the above brought me real comfort. Maybe all I need is stronger faith.

I am halfway done with the book and with every turn of the page, I am comforted.

And I thank the Lord for it.


russ said...

hi jennie!Ü

i've had a tiring, but definitely one of the best weekends. d and i attended our couple friend's wedding. it was a first for us. hehe. anyways thanks for asking.

'bout this entry. i admire you for all the strength that you have. i wouldnt know what to do... or how to cope with the loss of a loved one. much more a mom.

Jennie said...

hi russ.™ good to know that you had a wonderful weekend.

thank you. i used to say that i don't know what i'll do if mom passed away. half the time i still don't know what to do, but with God's grace and mom's guidance, i know everything will be fine.