tagged again :)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

We recently upgraded our computer at home, but it kept restarting on it's own, so we decided to take it back to the computer shop and have it checked.

The problem?
There was something wrong with the new hard disk and it had to be replaced. All 80 GBs of it. The files were unrecoverable. Boohoohoo! Goodbye files. See? That's why you always have to back up your files, which I didn't. The last time I backed-up my files was a few months ago, and God only knows how many files I've had since then. I thought all my files were still on my brother's ipod. Unfortunately, he already transfered it when we upgraded. Waaah! Even my old blog templates were gone. Oh my! Adieu mp3 files... Nyay! It's a good thing I transferred my picture files on flickr, photobucket, multiply and friendster photos.

It's probably a good thing - me losing all my files. It's a chance to start anew. On a clean slate. :)

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I was tagged by the lovely Tin. Hehehe.. she knows how much I love answering these. :D

SEVEN THINGS


Seven things that scare me:
darkness, losing a loved one, ghosts, needles, blood, snakes and other creepy crawlies, dying alone

Seven things I like the most:
family, sunflowers, good conversations, roadtrips, summer outings with my cousins, our Christmas reunion, CHOCOLATES! :D

Seven random facts about me:
I'm a chocoholic; my family & friends are very important to me; if I hate a person (hmm.. hate is such a strong word, dislike immensely might be a better term), I cut that person off my life (as in, no communication and, i delete all contact info - ang bad ko no? :p); i used to draw and paint a lot in high school, but I rarely do that now; i want to start scrapbooking; i'm very transparent - you could see from my face how I really feel; i use mayonaisse as a dip

Seven important things in my bedroom:
My bed, my 12 pillows, my books, TV, stereo, kikay stuff, clothes

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
travel to Ireland; travel to Tuscany, Italy; get married; have children; own a business; skydive; bungee jump

Seven things I can do:
sing; draw; paint; multi-task; cook; put make-up in a moving vehicle (hahaha!); swim

Seven things I can’t do:
dance in public; play the guitar; sleep with all the lights off; sleep unless i'm on tummy; do cartwheels;

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
eyes, height, smile, sense of humor, intelligence, respect for others (especially women), voice (singing or speaking)

Seven things I say the most:
Nyarks! Ngek! Ay, shyet! Di nga? Owws? Ano ba? Ayus!

Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign):
Michael Vartan, Chad Michael Murray, Brad Pitt (before Angelina), Tom Cruise (before Katie), Colin Farrell (before he became scruffy looking, hehehe), Tom Welling, Aga Muhlach forever (nyahaha!)

Seven people you want to see take this quiz:
Diwata, Dinah, missP, Rianne, Raissa, and anyone who wants to answer.

quiz time uli :)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She would have been 56 if she's still with us. My family and I went to her grave in the morning to bring flowers and offer our prayers.

The weather was lovely. The sun was shining but it wasn't hot and there was a gentle breeze. Just the way mom liked it. :)

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I've always been a cheerful person (except when I'm PMS-ing, so hide from me on those days. hehehe!). Lately I've been having bouts of melancholy, which is understandable, considering the circumstances. :)

Gah! Nakakapagod pala talaga ma-depress.

I thought I'd answer some quizzes from Quizilla, until I return to a happier disposition. :)

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Rose is your inner name because you are elegant and passionate. You are also beautiful and you are very independent.

What should your name really be??? (for girls)
brought to you by
Quizilla

Hmm.. incidentally, I was supposed to be named Rosemarie. Nyii.. buti na lang hindi... no offense meant to the Rosemarie's of the world. It's just not me. I can't imagine myself being called Rosemarie :)

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April, Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.


What does your birth month reveal about you? (read memo)
brought to you by Quizilla

The Notebook. You are a hopeless romantic and love movies that make you cry!! You love to have fun and are very emotional!!

What Movie Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by
Quizilla

Your theme song is Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows! You're willing to try new things, even if they seem a bit odd at first. Maybe you've fallen in love enough times to know not to take it at face value.

What's Your Theme Song?
brought to you by
Quizilla

wolfmann

Monday, August 22, 2005

I received an email notification from Friendster that a college buddy sent me a message, but I didn't get to open it until tonight.

The first thing I did as soon as I got in front of the PC was to open the friendster message: 1. because it's been years since I heard from him, and 2. the message subject was about another college buddy, who's making a name as a great music artist.

I was surprised at the message. My friend Ahlee said that our friend Wilfrid, aka Wolfmann of Wolfmann+ passed away yesterday, at St. Luke's, due to an aneurysm. He was in a coma for two days. I had goosebumps. I didn't expect the message to be that. He's too young to die.

We used to call him Hero Bautista in college, because he bears a resemblance to him (although, shempre lamang naman si Wilfrid ng madaming paligo dun :p). Hindi sha napipikon, everytime we teased him. :) We had a 3 day trip to Zambales for one of our major classes, and we had to stay with an Aeta community. We had to walk 4-5 hours to get to the place (our bus couldn't go there), but we had fun coz he kept telling jokes. We were dead tired when we arrived, but we weren't grumpy. On the last night of our trip, we had a "cultural night" and he played the guitar, while we all sang along. Those were fun times.

He was one of the guys who pulled me out of quicksand when I accidentally stepped on it and was stuck to my waist, on our way home. But not before he was bent over laughing. Kasi daw nagulat sha bigla na lang ako lumiit. Hehehe... ang payat-payat pa naman nya nun.

Sayang... he had so much going for him. His dream was turning into a wonderful reality, only to be cut short.

Wilf's remains lie in state at Funeraria Paz Manila Memorial Park along Sucat Road. A Mass will be celebrated on Wednesday night and Funeral rites will be on Thursday at 9 a.m.

Rest in peace, Wilfrid.

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I hope my next entry is going to be a happy one. I'm tired of depressing posts.

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Ooops! I just found that although my blog looks fine on Firefox, it's not on Internet Explorer. Walang right margin. Nyii.. I'm still trying to figure out how to fix it. So far, no matter how I try to fix it, there's no difference. Change your browsers to Firefox na lang. (hehe)

Psalm 23

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I promised myself a few days ago that I would refrain from writing melancholic entries. Sadly, I can't keep that promise, because to do so would mean I'm suppressing my feelings. That is so not the purpose of a blog - well, my blog, anyway.

I write because I feel. I write about my life, my hopes and dreams, my successes and failures, my family, and everything I hold dear. Writing is also one way of dealing with my pain. I write because it's cathartic for me. Cliche, but true.

The past few weeks, I found myself coping better with mom's passing. The past few days however, it's been quite tough. I guess it's because Mom's birthday is just a few days away. She would have been 56 on Thursday.

I'm trying to put up a brave front, acting as if everything has returned to normal, but it's far from the truth. I heard my titas and mom's friends saying (on different occasions), that I'm probably the one most affected by mom's loss, because, not to take anything away from my dad and my siblings, I was the one with her during her chemotherapy treatments. Maybe. Maybe not. We may not talk about it, but I know my family and I feel the same way. We're all grieving mom's passing. I'm just the one vocal about it

This morning while we were at Loyola Memorial Park (where we're at every Sunday morning), my brother and I were discussing what we're going to do on Mom's birthday. We'll definitely go to Loyola in the morning, and we'll probably eat out for dinner. We used to have parties/get togethers on mom's birthday with close family and friends. That's not going to happen this year, obviously. It's just going to be the four of us celebrating mom's extraordinary life and strength of spirit.

When we got home from Loyola, I went to mom & dad's room and something caught my eye. It was one of mom's books protruding under some clothes. I don't know how long it has been there, but it was the first time I saw it. I got it, with the intention of putting it on the bookshelf. Then I saw the title: "Getting Through the Going Through Stage" by Robert A Schuller. And I thought to myself, "Wow, how fitting."

Psalm 23 was written on the first page of the book:

The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me to the path of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk to the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod, and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.
In the words or Robert A. Schuller:
"Everyone experiences difficult times in life... we're not dumped in the valley. We're going through the valley. The difficult times will not last.

The way we get through our valleys is determined by the vehicle we choose... the best vehicle for me was the 23rd Psalm. I don't think there is a chapter in the Bible that speaks more beautifully or more eloquently to someone who is experiencing difficulty."
I'm not a religious person, even if I was educated at Catholic schools. Strangely enough, reading the above brought me real comfort. Maybe all I need is stronger faith.

I am halfway done with the book and with every turn of the page, I am comforted.

And I thank the Lord for it.

on templates and chocolate toothpaste

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I got tired of my old template so I decided to change it. I wanted my new template to be simpler this time and lessen the frills. It took me a while to tweak it, but I'm happy with the results.

I think my new blog template is now appropriate for my age. Hehehe!

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Has anyone tried the limited edition Close-up flavalicious toothpastes? I've been curious since I saw the commercials, but being the chocoholic that I am, only the choco loco flavor caught my eye. So the next time I did the groceries, I bought it and as soon as I got home I tried it.

I felt weird.

It smells like regular toothpaste but tastes like mint chocolate. I was tempted to swallow it (hahaha!), and I am sure that little kids who'll try it, would swallow it.

After brushing my teeth using the choco loco toothpaste though, it doesn't feel like I brushed my teeth at all. Maybe it's just me, but I'd stick to good old fashioned mint toothpaste. It's just not for me, but I am sure the kids will love it. I'd rather eat chocolate than brush with chocolate flavored toothpaste, anyway. :)

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I finally got around to doing my 43 things list. Yey! Now all I have to do is to accomplish it one goal at a time. :)

this is me overthinking again

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Text from friend G: "Bebe, dinner this Saturday, gimmick after. txt me if I'll pick you up at home."
Bebe, ehrm.. me: "sorry, G. can't"
G: "y? have other plans?"
me: "nope. no plans. just can't."
G: "Ganun? Sige, next time na lang. pero answer this: when was the last time you went out?"
me: "uhhh..."

Ugh. This is terrible. I can't remember the last time I went out with friends - for dinner or for gimmicks. I am in a rut.

Seriously.

I'm not even a party girl. All I ever want to do is hang out with friends over dinner or coffee, maybe watch a movie or a concert or go on weekend roadtrips, like we used to. But I've done none of it in months.

The last time I was with friends was to attend the wake of our friend's grandmother last month. But that doesn't count. We did do some shopping that day, which I enjoy quite a lot, but still, it's not the same as a late night gimmick or a weekend roadtrip.

Am I taking responsibility too seriously? Not that it's a bad thing, coz it's not. But, I find myself declining my friends' invitations to go out because I feel guilty. I keep thinking I'm needed at home.

My tita keeps telling me that I shouldn't forget about myself, even if I have more responsibilities on my plate, now that mom's gone. She said that I've sacrificed my personal life (hence the non-existent lovelife :p) and even my career, when mom got sick. Even mom used to say that. But I tell them that it was my choice and I don't regret making that choice. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about not being able to go out, coz it's my choice. I'm just thinking maybe mom and my tita were right. That I've neglected myself. Maybe that's why one of mom's last words to me were, "Promise mo sa akin, mag-aasawa ka ha?", because she knows there's a possibility of me getting so caught up with the things I should do and taking care of everyone else, that I'll forget about Jennie.

Nyarks! That didn't quite sound right. Parang ang feeling ko naman. Hehe.

Maybe I should just stop overthinking and start living.

moving on

Saturday, August 06, 2005

My dad, my brother and I (my sister was at work), went to our neighbor's funeral this afternoon. After the funeral service, we chatted with some of our neighbors before going home. During our conversation, my brother's godmother said something that brought tears to my eyes and made me have goose-pimples at the same time.

She asked us if someone already told us what happened during the first night of the wake, which my family and I attended. We said no and asked her what it was. Then, she said that when we arrived at the wake, one of our neighbors saw mom with us. Needless to say, we were shocked.

The neighbor who apparently saw mom with us, just arrived from abroad, so she didn't know that mom had passed away two months ago. When we arrived, she saw mom holding onto dad, while my siblings and I followed them. Then she heard our neighbors seated near her say, "Sunod-sunod namatay sa atin ano? Una si Tita Lourds, tapos si Divine, ngayon naman si Beth." Bewildered and irritated that people were saying mom had died, she told them: "Ano ba kayo, bakit nyo sinasabing patay na si Divine, eh kakapasok lang niya kasama ng pamilya nya." (I can only imagine the expressions on the faces of our neighbors when she said that. :p) That was when they said, "Ay! Hindi mo ba alam? Two months nang wala si Divine." She didn't believe it at first and even said that mom was wearing white and was holding dad's arm when we arrived, that we entered the house in this order: Dad, Mom, me, my sister and my brother.

After my brother's godmother relayed that story, I couldn't say anything at first. The tears just fell but I know I was smiling. I was still a bit skeptical though.

Jennie: "Tita, maybe she thought I was mom from a distance?"
Tita Emma: "Baka nga, puti ba suot mo? Kasi puti daw ang suot ni mommy mo."
Jennie: "Uh.. itim po yung blouse na suot ko nung Monday."
So, it couldn't have been me that our neighbor saw. Which made me remember what I wrote s more than a week ago:
"It's weird though, coz when I'm at home in the living room, kitchen or dining room, it feels like mom's just quietly staying in their room. Maybe it's because a month before she passed away, mom mostly stayed there, and I got used to it...."
Maybe that's why I still feel that mom's just here - because she IS still here.

I didn't feel scared that she saw mom. On the contrary, I was touched to know that mom was still with us, but at the same time I thought she shouldn't linger anymore. That's why tonight when I say my prayers, I'll tell mom that she doesn't need to stay with us, that she should go to her next destination, coz we'll be fine. It's nice to know that she's with us, but I feel it will be better if she moves on.

stressfree

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Finally, after a very stressful couple of months, I can say that things are getting better. Whatever stuff has been plaguing my head and making me stressed have either been resolved or near it's resolution. Thank God! Coz frankly, another month of it and I'd probably have a nervous breakdown.

I nearly had one, two weeks ago.

Thank goodness for my Tita Belle, for talking me through it. What's bad about it, is that it happened at the office. I was getting really frustrated, and whenever I'm frustrated, I cry. The floodgates just open and I can't stop it unless I feel better. When I felt that I was gonna cry out of frustration, I immediately dialled my Tita's number and let it all out. Quietly, of course. Or else, aside from everyone seeing me from the glass partition of the cubicle, they would hear me bawling my eyes out. Hehe.

It true what people say about the lack of sleep when something's bothering you. I had a hard time sleeping becuase I've been doing too much thinking. Overthinking. I tend to do that sometimes. I think too far ahead into the future. I think up scenarios in my head and it ultimately increases my anxiety level. And then I cry when I feel overwhelmed. Sus! Iyakin to the max ako.

I feel very relieved that things are looking up. :) Finally, I no longer sleep and wake up with a pounding headache. Hallelujah!