i believe in the power of prayer

Friday, April 23, 2004

Sometimes I dread getting good news coz I have a feeling bad news is gonna come next. My life has been like an emotional rollercoaster ride lately. I don't want to make generalizations, but it seems everytime i receive good news, a few days after, I receive news that I don't want to receive.

Yesterday I was very happy and that was because of the new employment opportunity knocking at my door. Honestly, right after getting the phone call from mom, I thought to myself, "Shet, great news ito, ano kaya ang kapalit?"

Well, I knew the answer just a day later... and it's news that I have been dreading for sometime.

There's a big chance my mom is going to undergo chemotherapy again. Pootah! minsan di ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa, but when I see my mom, I know I have to be strong. Kasi pag nakita nya na parang nag-gi-give up ako, alam ko pati sha ganoon din ang pakiramdam.

I accompanied my mom to St. Luke's Medical Center today. She wanted to get a second opinion and I guess she wanted to see if Dra. Gorospe is a good doctor. Mejo sumama kasi ang loob ni mommy sa current doctor nya. I dunno. I guess my mom took what Dra. Tamayo said differently. I understand that, coz if I were in my mom's shoes, I'd be really sensitive, too. It's my life i'm fighting for.

Mom has to undergo some tests to determine if the cancer has metastesized to other organs. God, i really hope not. From the results, Dra. Gorospe would plan mom's treatment, but she also said that regardless if the test results are negative, mom still has to undergo chemo. Her chemo drug combinations will be changed coz the cancer cells already know how to fight it. It's like they were immunized. I should be used to this coz if ever, this will be mom's third chemo (she had 3 cycles in 2001 & 6 cycles last year). But no one ever gets used to it. It's ironic coz the one treatment that could prolong your life would make you feel like hell.

Sometimes i find myself questioning God & my faith. But I need something & Someone to hold on to, coz if I don't, I couldn't take it. I'd go crazy.

At one point during mom's & Dr. Gorospe's conversation, mom cried. I had to steel myself so I wouldn't cry, too. That's when I realized that I'm quite adept in keeping my emotions in check. Dapat kasi hindi ako emotional kasi lalong bibigat yung nararamdaman ni mommy. But i so wanted to cry. Ang sikip ng dibdib ko kasi pinipigil ko. I told myself I have to be strong. Walang mangyayari sa amin kung makiki-iyak din ako. As mom was composing herself I was the one who talked to the doctor. I couldn't believe how I got through that conversation without ever shedding a tear.

I shed a tear when mom was in the ladies room and I texted some friends. I couldn't stop the tears when I read their messages of comfort. But when I sensed that mom was nearby, parang faucet na sinara yung tear ducts ko. :)

I know we'll get through this. We have before & we will again. With prayers I know we will...

♥ JeN

I needed a distraction, so even if I feel sad, I have time to answer some memes. :)

Would you...
Friday, April 23, 2004

1. eat a slug for $10? No way!
2. jump off the roof of your house for $15? (no safety nets or harnesses!) hahaha! no, siguro kung taasan yung amount. wahaha!
3. lick a taxi drivers armpit for $50? eeeeeeeew!!
4. french kiss michael jackson for 10 minutes for $60? bwahahaha!
5. moon in front of 100 people you know and know of for $100? no

I'm not much of a daredevil am I? I swear I wouldn't win in Fear Factor.

---from Daily Dirt