back to reality

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

WARNING: I'm feeling low and I need to get this out of my system. I don't want to get you down, too. So you don't have to read this. It's okay. :)

----------------------------------

I guess it's true what some people say that when you're happy one day, the next day you'd be sad, to kinda have balance. After being on cloud nine a few days after the concert, landing back on earth felt like a crash landing. or maybe that's how bursting your bubble feels like.

I'm back to reality and somehow reality feels really awful. I am faced with worries - worries I kinda set aside, but now I feel like I can't anymore.

Everyday when mom goes home from work, I can tell that she's not feeling well. That she tries to hide it, but I know she feels pain. And I can't do anything. I feel helpless.

For those who doesn't know, my mom has been battling breast cancer since 1997. She was on remission for four years after the surgery. Her doctor said that if she's cancer free for 5 years that means she has completely overcome it. But it came back in the year 2000 and mom had to undergo 3 cycles of chemotherapy & 30 days of radiation therapy after chemo. It was very difficult, but mom pulled through and was again on remission. It came back last year and she underwent 6 cycles of chemotherapy. Christmas last year was more memorable coz we knew that everytime spent with each other was precious. We again faced an obstacle and we got through it.

My mom is very strong and her faith is boundless. I guess that's how I, too can deal with it, added to the fact that being the eldest, I have to be strong for my siblings. When I'm alone in my room that's when I bawl my eyes out. I can't let my mom see me like that coz I know it will get her down. The same goes for my siblings, coz when they do see me, it will be like a dam collapsing.

I sometimes act as if I'm the happiest person alive or I have everything under control, but inside I am a wreck. When I am alone in my room that's when it hits me. I worry about mom's health. And I admit I am selfish. I don't want to lose my mom coz I don't know what I will do without her.

My mom still goes to work. She doesn't look like she's sick. But sometimes I look at her and I know she feels something but she isn't telling us. She's always laughing (except on times when she's really tired). Almost every night we have conversations about how our day went and other stuff. And I treasure those moments. I guess its one of the reasons why I sometimes don't go out with friends when they invite me. I feel like I have to spend more time with my family.

Sometimes I rant and ask why my mom. And I admit sometimes I get angry at God for giving us this kind of burden. Then I realize He's not gonna give us something we can't handle. Or maybe I'm the eternal optimist that thinks every challenge will only make us stronger. And it did make us stronger, both as a family and individually. My family and I are closer than ever, and when things get rough, I say to myself, we've been through worse, so I know I can hack it.

And sometimes I have days like this, when no matter how I try to be optimistic, it seems to fail and I sit here and feel sorry for myself. Dang it! I hate this kind of days!

If you've read through all this, thank you and I apologize if I got your spirits down.

I hope I'm back to normal tomorrow. Whatever normal is for me. :)

♥ JeN

-----------------------------

PLACE IN THIS WORLD
Michael W. Smith

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

0 comments: